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aztecravemonkey


AZTEC RAVE MONKEY

Don't mess with the light switch.


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Chapter II: APPARENTLY, THIS IS GOING TO BE A DAILY THING OR SOMETHING.
WTF?
aztecravemonkey
BECAUSE READING THIS FIC IS LIKE WATCHING A CAR ACCIDENT. YOU JUST CAN'T TAKE YOUR EYES AWAY FROM IT UNTIL YOU REAR END THE CAR IN FRONT OF YOU AT THIRTY MILES AN HOUR.

ALSO, THIS IS JUST FOR YOU. YOU KNOW WHO YOU ARE.

WARNINGS: DISCUSSIONS OF SEX, ZOOPHILIA, HORRENDOUS DEPICTIONS OF JUDAISM AND THE HOLOCAUST, RAPE, TORTURE, VIOLENCE, AND BIOLOGICAL WTFERY.

SO CHAPTER TWO BEGINS WITH THE GIRLS AND LUCAS ENCOUNTERING TRAINERS, AND ONE OF THE CHARACTERS ASK ONE OF THE TRAINERS A QUESTION. AND THE DIALOGUE TAG ACTUALLY FUCKING SAYS, “ASKS THE JEWISH GIRL.” ASKS THE JEWISH GIRL. CAN YOU BE A LITTLE FUCKING SPECIFIC HERE?

OR DID YOU ACTUALLY DO YOUR RESEARCH, AND THE OTHER TWO AREN’T ACTUALLY JEWISH. THAT WOULD ACTUALLY BE HELPFUL INFORMATION. IS ONE OF THEM GAY? IS THAT WHY THEY WERE IN FUCKING AUSCHWITZ?

WHAT.

WHAT.

LUCAS IS THE FORMER LEADER OF TEAM PLASMA.

WHAT THE FUCK IS THIS.

IS THIS THE DPP PROTAGONIST, OR IS THIS JUST THE AUTHOR AVATAR WHO IS ATTEMPTING TO COLLECT WOMEN LIKE SEX TROPHIES? BECAUSE IF IT’S THE LATTER, I MAY NEED TO PUNCH SOMETHING TO FEEL FEMINIST AGAIN.

WAIT, WHEN THE FUCK DID DAWN START TRAVELING WITH THIS GROUP?

HOW THE FUCK DID HOLOCAUST SUE #4 GET A MESPRIT WHEN SHE’S A NEW TRAINER?

THIS CHAPTER ISN’T EVEN FIVE PARAGRAPHS IN, AND I’M ALREADY HORRENDOUSLY LOST. WHAT THE FUCK IS GOING ON.

EXCEPT I’M NOT QUESTIONING THE PRESENCE OF AN ARCEUS. I JUST SORT OF ASSUMED THAT WAS A GIVEN BY NOW.

ARE WE JUST GOING TO CASUALLY BRING UP THOSE TATTOOS IN EVERY CHAPTER? THEY AREN’T EXACTLY THINGS TO BE PROUD OF, GUYS.

ONE OF THE CHARACTERS IS PREGNANT. AND GOING ON A JOURNEY. A JOURNEY WHERE SHE ENCOUNTERS EXTREMES IN TERRAIN AND WEATHER AS WELL AS WILD ANIMALS THAT CONTROL ELEMENTS OF NATURE. WHY IS THAT A GOOD IDEA?

ACTUAL QUOTE FROM THE FIC: “but at first, I was unable to conceive a child, because my uterus was glued shut.”

WHAT.

OKAY, MAYBE THE NAZIS DID THAT. I DON’T EXACTLY HAVE “DID THE NAZIS GLUE UTERI SHUT” IN MY GOOGLE SEARCH HISTORY, BUT HOW THE FUCK.

HER UTERUS WAS MAGICALLY HEALED BY DIALGA’S MAGIC AND LUCAS’S VAMPIRE PENIS.

NO, HE’S IMMORTAL. THAT’S ACTUALLY WHAT THIS SHIT SAYS.

I HAVE NO SNARKY COMMENT ABOUT THAT. I JUST THOUGHT YOU GUYS WOULD LIKE TO KNOW.

OKAY, SO LUCAS IS THE DPP PROTAGONIST.

HE WAS ALSO THE LEADER OF TEAM GALACTIC AND ARCEUS’S ADOPTIVE SON. ALSO, HE’S HOT, AND EVERY GIRL WANTS HIM.

THAT’S PRETTY MUCH IT.

ACTUALLY, NO, WAIT. IF HE’S THOUSANDS OF YEARS OLD, WHAT THE FUCK ABOUT ASH, GARY, AND DAWN? WERE THEY DEAD, AND DID THEY JUST RECEIVE MAGICAL GET OUT OF JAIL FREE CARDS, ONLY WITH THE WORD “JAIL” SCRATCHED OUT AND REPLACED WITH “THE AFTERLIFE”?

KOSHER PIDGEOTTO NEEDS TO LAY OFF THE CAFFEINE, FFS.

ACTUAL LINE FROM THE FIC: "I can't believe you offered my master to let me mate with you, especially since you're already pregnant with Lucas' child.", said Zekrom, to which Galaxy [A PALKIA] smirked, "Don't worry, I've grown a second uterus for this occasion."



MOVING RIGHT ALONG.

YOU CANNOT COMBINE INCOMPATIBLE RELIGIONS.

I REPEAT. YOU CANNOT COMBINE INCOMPATIBLE RELIGIONS.

YOU CANNOT WORSHIP ARCEUS IN A JUDEO-CHRISTIAN RELIGION.

THERE IS A COMMANDMENT ABOUT THIS SHIT. THEY SHOULD HAVE TAUGHT YOU THIS WHEN YOU WERE FUCKING OLD ENOUGH TO READ A BIBLE.

THE NEO-NAZIS OF THIS UNIVERSE APPARENTLY HAVE THE MAGICAL ABILITY TO SENSE JEWS BECAUSE HOLOCAUST SUE #2 GOT SNATCHED UP IN A FUCKING ALLEY. THEY DON’T REALLY SAY ANYTHING TO HER OR SHIT. THEY’RE JUST LIKE, “YUP. THAT’S A JEW.” AND THEN THEY PULL HER INTO THE ALLEY AND CUT HER UP BECAUSE THAT’S BASICALLY WHAT NAZIS DO, RIGHT?

THOSE ALLEYS, MAN.

SUMMARY OF THE NEXT SCENE: TIME LORD ARCEUS ARRIVES FROM A DYING UNIVERSE THAT, FOR SOME REASON, DECIDED IT WASN’T OKAY FOR LEGENDARIES TO MATE, DESPITE THE FACT THAT HE IS THE FUCKING CREATOR OF THE UNIVERSE SO WHO THE FUCK IS MAKING THESE RULES. AND THEN HE MOUNTS A FEMALE ARCEUS (BECAUSE THEY’RE ABOUT TEN CENTS A DOZEN IN THIS UNIVERSE) IN HIS SLEEP, AND WHEN HE REALIZES AND IMMEDIATELY APOLOGIZES BECAUSE HE DOESN’T WANT TO BE A RAPIST, A MALE ARCEUS SWOOPS IN AND SAYS, “NO, IT’S COOL, BRO. RAPE IS TOTALLY A-OK IN THIS UNIVERSE.”

THE MALE ARCEUS SPEAKS FOR THE FEMALE ARCEUS WITH REGARDS TO WHETHER OR NOT IT WAS OKAY THAT TIME LORD ARCEUS MOUNTED HER WHILE BOTH OF THEM WERE SLEEPING.

BUT IT’S OKAY BECAUSE THE FEMALE ARCEUS TAKES THIS AS A SIGN OF LOVE, AND SHE ASKS TIME LORD ARCEUS TO BE HER MATE. HER LOGIC IS THAT SHE KNEW HE HAS FEELINGS FOR HER.

THEY MET THE NIGHT BEFORE. THEY LITERALLY MET TWO HOURS AGO. FOR FUCK’S SAKE, GUYS, GODDAMN ROMEO AND JULIET TOOK IT SLOWER THAN THE TWO OF YOU.

SHAYMIN RUNS THROUGH A FIELD AND CAUSES A SHITTON OF FLOWERS TO BURST INTO BLOOM. THAT IS THE STUPIDEST FUCKING EUPHEMISM FOR “AND THEN THE TWO POKEMON HAD SEX” THAT I HAVE EVER HEARD. AND THAT PHRASE IMPLIES THAT I HAVE HAD MULTIPLE EUPHEMISMS FOR “AND THEN THE TWO POKEMON HAD SEX.”

THE ARYAN BROTHERHOOD IS NOT TEAM ROCKET. NO, AUTHOR. NO.

THEY ARE ALSO NOT INTELLIGENT ENOUGH TO PULL OFF DRUG TRAFFICKING AND ASSASSINATION. THEY ARE NOT A FUCKING STREET GANG. THEY ARE AN ACTUAL ORGANIZATION FULL OF PEOPLE WHO LEGITIMATELY BELIEVE THAT THEY ARE CORRECT IN ASSUMING THAT HUGE SWATHS OF THE POPULATION NEED TO BE EXTERMINATED. THEY JUST HAPPEN TO ALSO HAVE THUGS IN THEIR MIDST BECAUSE THEY ARE WHITE TRASH. PLEASE AT LEAST DO YOUR RESEARCH INTO THE SFW PARTS OF YOUR ANTI-NAZI FIC.

REMEMBER, KIDS. THE BEST WAY TO END CRIME WITH SWEET, SWEET VENGEA—STOP FUCKING TAKING LESSONS FROM BATMAN.

TIME LORD ARCEUS ANNOUNCES THAT THE PEOPLE WHO KILLED HIS MATE AND UNBORN CHILD (DON’T POKEMON HATCH FROM EGGS??) WERE PART OF A POWER-HUNGRY CULT. AND THEN IN LITERALLY THE NEXT LINE, HE HAS SEX WITH GIRL ARCEUS.

INSERT GRAPHIC ZEKROM-ON-PALKIA SEX SCENE HERE. IT’S PUNCTUATED WITH A TALK ABOUT HOW THE FERTILIZED EGG EMBEDS ITSELF IN PALKIA’S UTERINE WALL AS WELL AS A DEFINITION OF “BLASTOCYST.” I SHIT YOU NOT.

AND THEN THERE’S ANOTHER GRAPHIC SEX SCENE OF THE TWO ARCEUS GOING AT IT. EXCEPT THIS ONE DESCRIBES IN DETAIL THE EMOTIONS THE SOUL ENTERING GIRL ARCEUS’S WOMB IS EXPERIENCING.

BRO, I’M SORRY, BUT IT’S SORT OF A TURN-OFF WHEN YOU START DESCRIBING A DISEMBODIED SOUL’S LAMENT OVER BEING KILLED BY NAZIS IN THE SAME SENTENCE IN WHICH YOU DESCRIBE A FICTIONAL WHEEL-GOAT THRUSTING INTO ANOTHER FICTIONAL WHEEL-GOAT.

I’M ALSO PRETTY SURE JUDAISM HAS A STANCE ABOUT POLYGAMY. AND THAT THIS STANCE IS, “WHAT THE FUCK NO.”

I’VE NEVER BEEN CHRISTIAN, HOWEVER, BUT I’M PRETTY SURE THEY’RE NOT OKAY WITH THAT EITHER.

AND THEN IT ENDS WITH HOLOCAUST SUE #2 WINNING MOTHER OF THE YEAR BECAUSE SHE FORGOT TO NURSE HER CHILD FOR AN IMPLIED LONG PERIOD OF TIME. SERIOUSLY, AUTHOR, THIS IS THE SECOND TIME YOU HAD A CHARACTER NOT EAT FOR INSANE AMOUNTS OF TIME. THIRD, IF WE CONSIDER HOLOCAUST SUE #2’S RESPONSE TO LUCAS’S QUESTION ABOUT WHETHER OR NOT SHE HAD EATEN ANYTHING RECENTLY. EATING IS SORT OF AN IMPORTANT LIFE PROCESS, BRO.

OH, AND THE GHOST OF THE GIRL WHO WANTS TO BE BORN TO HER JUST SORT OF HANGING OUT IN THE ROOM AND TELLING HER HOW MUCH SHE LOVES HER. ‘CAUSE THAT’S NOT CREEPY.

This entry was cross-posted from http://mercoledi.dreamwidth.org/124367.html.

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WHAT THE HELL IS THIS KID'S LIST OF KINKS.

Oh my God, I though my kinks were weird. But here, we've got breastfeeding, rape, pregnancy, pouches (???????), rapid growth (????????????), butts, breasts, torture, demeaning women, sex slavery, zoophilia, and apparently Jews. THAT'S A PRETTY UNIQUE LIST THERE.

I'm just baffled by the fact that he's wondering why he's not getting any reviews. I mean, seriously? Seriously?

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